I have a two-year-old daughter who is pretty much the most amazing human being on this planet (sorry everybody else). My husband and I had our daughter after most of our friends and family already had kids, so we had it all figured out! (insert sarcastic eye roll) We knew everything we weren’t going to do as parents and everything we weren’t going to let our child do.
Here are the top 7 things we said we would never do BC (before child) and AC (after child):
|1||We are never giving our child a pacifier, why would anyone do that to their own child? It limits speech patterns and causes teeth to shift which can cause permanent damage.||Second day in the hospital, I am recovering from a C-section and my husband has been sleeping on a fold out chair that looks like a beer pong table for 48 hours. Its 2:48am and our daughter won’t stop crying. My husband and I pretty much said this in unison “oh my gosh, somebody get us a damn pacifier”! She’s had one ever since.|
|2||Who takes their children out of the house in their PJ’s, I mean how hard is it to put pants and a shirt on a child before you leave? We are never doing that.||
Narrative of a typical weekend morning in my home:
My husband: “what’s the time?”
|3||Every time I talk to Vicky on the phone all I hear is her kid in the background, can’t she tell him to be quiet for like 10 minutes so we can talk?! Our child will never be that rude while we are on the phone.||My child is possibly the loudest child I have ever encountered, she gets it from my side of the family. At around 1 years old she started to talk a lot and it was at the time we realized either we don’t ever talk on the phone with anyone or we learn to ignore it like every other parent we know. We try to teach her that when we are talking she shouldn’t interrupt but let’s be honest here people the important conversations you save for when the children are in bed. That scene from Family Guy where Stewie is constantly saying "mom, mommy, mom, ma, mom, mommy" to Lois is basically my life.
|4||When it comes to time in front of the TV or electronics better known as “tablet time” I will limit my child to one hour a day if that. Anything more than that is too much. She is going to have designated craft time, book reading and nature time as well.||
LET'S BE REAL HERE, PEOPLE! My husband and I work full time jobs, I am lucky enough to work one day a week from home! On that day I am with her in the same room and she is in front of the TV while I am in front of my computer. When we’re making dinner, of course she’s watching her shows! It keeps her occupied while also teaching her words and numbers and colors etc. Do I know every single word to Trolls and Moana? You bet your silly ass I do, and I DO NOT feel bad about it. My daughter is intelligent and well rounded, she plays well with others and is polite enough for a two-year-old.
|5||I can’t believe that some people let their children eat in the car, did you see that backseat? It was so gross, there were crumbs and sticky stuff everywhere. Our child will never eat or drink in our car.||My daughter has a basket of snacks in the car. Every time we leave the house I make sure she has at least one sippy cup of juice or milk ready for the ride. It’s unreasonable to think that a two-year-old can sit in her car seat for a long period of time and not get thirsty or hungry. OF COURSE I GIVE HER FOOD IF SHE'S HUNGRY! I mean, I try to clean the car out once or twice a week but let’s be real here folks its not always the priority. You just have to get through the weeks and hope that somebody gets you a gift certificate for a car detail for Christmas this year.|
|6||When we have our child we will keep our living room an adult area, her toys can stay in her room. Whey does she need toys in the living area and in her room? Pointless.|
|7||I will never let our child sleep in our bed with us, that’s our time together. She needs to be comfortable in her own room and we need our alone time.||
To be fair we haven’t officially hit this stage yet because our daughter is still in her crib but, we’ve flat out said to each other if she wants to come in our bed she can come in our bed. She’s only going to be young once and if my mom is right (as she has been with most of the advice she gave us) we are going to miss this time one day.
So, to wrap up…we were pretty much wrong about everything and we were those non-kid people who thought they knew.
What kinds of dumb shit did you say before having kids?